Time flies!

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day we entered Christ's Church as a family. It doesn't seem possible that a whole year has already passed, yet in many ways it feels like we've always been here. I feel much the same way about our marriage. I can hardly believe we've been married for nearly 20 years, the time has gone so quickly! Yet on the flip side, I have a hard time remembering life before Matt because it seems we've just always been together. He completes me and is my soul-mate. With him I wear no masks and never question what's expected of me. I am me. But a more complete me than I ever was before marrying him. Had I never met Matt I wouldn't have realized how much was missing from my life; but with the blinders removed, the reality of us each being made for the other is undeniable.

The tangible sense of belonging and completeness that I feel in my marriage mirrors what I've found in Christ's Church. Had I refused the Holy Spirit's attempts to remove the blinders from my spiritual eyes, I never would have known how much I was missing in my walk with the Lord. From this side of the Tiber I can look back and see the signs of a soul searching for....I didn't know. But at the time, I would have taken offense to any charge of spiritual insecurity or uncertainty. The fact that I was still searching was something I barely acknowledged, even to myself, because it made no sense. How could I possibly be hungering for "more" when I had all there was?! The inspired, inerrant Word of God to guide my life, the Holy Spirit to personally reveal the Truth to me, the universal body of Believers to join with in worship and fleshing out our Christianity. Jesus, God incarnate, had died to pay the death penalty for my sins. He sent the Holy Spirit to be my guide and comfort and to seal me to the Father. He knows me intimately and loves me passionately. Yet knowing these truths didn't satisfy a subtle, almost imperceptible, desire for "more" in the deepest recesses of my heart. One of my oldest and closest friends pointed out to me several times throughout the years leading up to my "unveiling", that for as long as she's known me she's seen the common thread of my desire for complete personal surrender and more of Jesus. I couldn't ever quite put my finger on it, but on some level I always felt that there was "more". Countless hours spent in daily Bible study and prayer, scripture committed to memory, Biblical counseling training, multiple positions teaching, mentoring, advising. And always a niggling yearning for "more".

Exactly one year ago today my heart's deepest cry was answered. I came home. I'd heard that phrase but had no idea what it really meant until I experienced it personally. I knocked on the door, my Father answered, the Holy Spirit ushered me in, and I was seated at His banquet table and served the meal of my life! I was allowed to partake of the Bread of Life and drink the Living Water and, as Jesus promised, I thirst no more! My love for Him has grown in ways I didn't know it was lacking. I love him passionately! From the first moment His precious Body touched my lips something shifted fundamentally inside me. I felt completely aligned, if that makes any sense. It's hard to describe an internal change in words someone who hasn't experienced it will understand. To see me from the outside, no one would ever have guessed that something was missing in my spirit, but it was. And now it isn't. And I am left at times breathless and frequently overflowing with emotion at the "rightness" of being home at last.

This past year has been one of great personal and family growth. Our children have taken to the Faith like ducks to water. To hear them talk or observe the natural way our faith permeates their lives, you'd never know they haven't been raised Catholic. They look forward, as do I, to the times we get to spend adoring Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. Being told they might have to miss daily Mass is a powerful motivator for laziness in our home! A couple of them become emotional to the point of tears after receiving the priceless gift of Jesus' Body in the Eucharist, or when talking about Jesus' suffering and dying for us. Their reverence and passion for our Lord has grown explosively since we entered His Church. And the funny thing is that we don't spend a lot of regular time catechizing them (like we should!), they just recognize the truth through childlike eyes and have completely embraced it. I could spend days going over all the scriptural and historical evidence for the authenticity of the Roman Catholic Church, but it's the dramatic internal changes we each have experienced that have made this so personal.

One of my biggest hang-ups about entering the Church was what it would cost me socially. Looking back I feel ridiculously superficial to admit it was a serious problem for me, but it was. (Time to get emotionally naked...)I enjoy being looked up to. I loved teaching Bible studies and seeing the proverbial light bulb go on in women's eyes. I loved all the words of affirmation and encouragement that were poured out over me. I loved getting verbal "warm fuzzies" about my spiritual giftings , Bible knowledge, prayer life, wisdom, and spiritual maturity. And I received each comment as confirmation from God that I was in His Will and doing what He's made me to do. But a part of me (much bigger than I would have ever admitted, even to myself!) thrived on the words. I was very good at verbally deflecting all accolades and pointing to God as the real source, but more than I realized, my inner pride monster was being regularly fed. And fed well. I thrived on women I looked up to telling me they were inspired by my life, or by something I'd said or done. The thought that those same women might question my previous ministry, or even my salvation, nearly paralyzed me. What if I lost some of the friendships I'd come to treasure? What if people got angry and forced an ugly confrontation? What if I lost the respect of those I deeply admired? What if my extended family acts weird and uncomfortable around me? What if people openly question my salvation? What will my peers in women's ministry say about me behind closed doors? How do I just walk away from everything I've avowed for years? From everything I've worked so hard for? The fear of being demoted to the status of "spiritual baby" within Catholic circles made me drag my feet even more. I knew what I knew because I'd studied God's Word diligently for years! I wasn't spiritually immature and I didn't want anyone thinking differently! I wasn't seriously considering jumping the Tiber out of ignorance of God's Word or a lack of real relationship with the Lord. Rather, God's Word and my relationship with Him steadily led me to the river bank. The more I read about what the early Church believed and practiced, the more I read key Protestant proof texts in context, the more I read the personal writings of the original reformer, the more I surrendered my comfort zone and layed it all on the line for His glory, the more clearly the lines were drawn. I reached a point where in order to maintain intellectual and spiritual integrity, I needed to jump. To do less would require lying to myself and selling-out for my own comfort and glory.

So I jumped. The minute my feet hit the ground on the other side of the Tiber I knew I'd come home. Home to a place I didn't know I was missing, but clearly the place of my heart's longings. In the blessed waters of Baptism all of the "what ifs" and their accompanying fears were washed away. In the sacrament of Confirmation I pledged my life to Him again and received his seal. In the Eucharist I fell into my Savior's arms and heard His heartbeat as I laid my head on His chest. Our marriage is now sacramental, and as silly as it sounds to assert that that makes any difference, it does. We've been taken to a whole new level together. Our "oneness" is complete in ways we couldn't have understood before receiving this blessing. It hasn't all been rosy. I've had to deal with rude comments made to me or our children about our "obvious confusion". I've faced awkward conversations and stilted greetings. I've dialogued with loved ones who feel personally affronted by our decision. And we have a few friends we probably won't have much contact with ever again. But what a small price to pay in order to embrace what He paid everything to give me.

So we enter our second year in Christ's Church. I'm no longer afraid of the potential confrontations. They provide opportunities for me to practice dying-to-myself, and also let me know who I need to pray for. My ministry efforts are focused homeward now, where they need to be in this season of our lives. I know my days of ministering to God's women are by no means over, and as much as I do miss it, my place is at home right now. As a family, we look forward to what the Lord has in store for us as we follow Him day by day. And with grateful hearts we thank Him for His love and His Presence.